Vulnerable

What is that feeling, the one you get inside when you find yourself uncomfortable, embarassed, uneasy? I think it's vulnerability. When I looked it up in the dictionary (okay, so I'm a word nerd), I found the following definitions for vulnerable:

1. Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt.
2. Open to moral attack, criticism, temptation.

In thinking about this, I think in the past few months I have felt this in a huge way.

I confessed to my roommate a little while back that I think God is dealing with me on the issue of pride. This all came to light after a particularly moving message at church one Sunday, the same day that my world was in essence shattered with a recent discovery that a Christian friend is struggling with being gay. It was as if God was shining this light on my heart and reminding me that I too was imperfect, and that I needed to own up to that. Still, in my heart I knew that a relationship with Jesus is something that is available to all of us, regardless of our past or present circumstances. He endured nails for the sins I committed today as well as the lifestyle that my friend is living apart from Him. This realization brought me to a new place.

So back to the vulnerability. As most of you know, I have been undergoing a kitchen renovation for, let's be honest, a couple of months now. This means that my appliances are all over the place (though I'm trying to sell them), my cabinets are still not yet all installed, and basically, my whole downstairs resembles a department in Home Depot rather than the Pottery Barn showroom effect that I am comfortable with. Because I grew up in an impeccably clean household, this mess initially made me feel a sense of failure...failure to maintain the perfectly clean house that has always been expected of me. I was afraid of that criticism, of not keeping up appearances. One night, my roommate Kelli said to me, "You are growing." What she meant was, she was surprised that I could relax enough to be in this mess for so long, and I guess she was surprised that I was coping with it at all!

But somewhere in the past few weeks, I have just come to realize that it's just not that big of a deal in the long run. As I look ahead to how awesome the kitchen will eventually be, and the fellowship that can take place in there as a result of the makeover, I am recognizing that in the scope of eternity, my temporary state of living is just not that big of an issue. If it had been done any sooner, I might not have been able to fully embrace this lesson. Plus, I have the added bonus of all the amazing hours spent with good friends working on this project, which in the end has saved me thousands of dollars.

Vulnerability is something I think we all experience on some level on a regular basis. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day....a day that can lead to elation or disappointment. There is a great amount of risk surrounding that day. Of course, we ladies wish that men would make themselves more vulnerable than they seem to...take a leap of faith, or whatever.

Maybe I'm just being a girl, but today I felt that first definition of vulnerable pretty strongly. And I felt it sitting in a salon where Kathy's daughter was getting her hair cut. It's funny how I can go along in my life being so confident in who I am for weeks at a time, only to be susceptible once again to feeling inadequate. I don't think this is from God; on the contrary, I think it is the enemy telling me that I'm not good enough, not worthy of good things. This is when I have to remind myself what Scripture says, and ironically, what our church's text for the day is today:

Philippians 4: 6-7 (The Message) Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

God is so amazing. Working in us, loving us despite our pride, selfishness, or anxiety. Why should I spent time worrying about what others make of me, what the world says I am? The Creator of the universe took time to create me. I think in the end, it is He who wishes me to open my heart and be the most vulnerable of all simply with Him.